Chapter 5 – Helping Children Cope With Separation and Divorce

Building Personal Resilience: A Guide to Positive Living

Chapter 5 – Helping Children Cope With Separation and Divorce

Children of Divorce Therapy Ottawa

Mental health professionals can be helpful to families experiencing separation and divorce in different ways. If your child has not been showing symptoms of distress at the point of parental separation, but you anticipate that your child will be undergoing significant, stressful changes, you may wish to take advantage of mental health services which are preventative in nature.


Preventative intervention is usually offered through time-limited group experiences. The prevalence of separation in recent years has led to the development of group programs for children of different age groups. These programs are educative and supportive in nature. Generally, each meeting involves discussion of one of the issues confronting children whose parents separate (i.e. coping with parental conflict, dealing with visits to non-custodial parents, meeting step-parents etc.). The group format is useful in helping children to recognize that other children have faced the same difficulties and have learned to manage these problems. Consultation is often offered in-group sessions to the parents of children involved in these groups.


If, however, your child or adolescent is experiencing significant problems, as indicated by concerns about their ability to function academically or socially in school, or severe conflicts with family members, involvement with a mental health professional on an individual basis is indicated.

In this chapter

Separation and divorce are increasingly frequent in our society and children are left needing to adjust to the new reality between their parents. Research shows that although many children find the adjustment difficult at first not all children suffer long term effects.


In this chapter Dr. Smyth describes the typical reactions to separation by children of various ages and she offers advice on how parents can minimize the negative effects of separation for children of different age groups. As well, Dr. Smyth describes the types of professional services available to families, and how to access them.

Dr. Smyth shows that families can learn to cope with the inevitable stresses and strains as everyone tries to move forward and do the best they can in creating a new beginning and a new family arrangement.


Be it infants and toddlers, preschoolers, early elementary school aged children, older elementary school aged children, or adolescents, Dr. Smyth speaks to it all and in an informed and detailed a fashion. As well, she identifies what you can expect when you meet with the therapist/counsellor and the variety of approaches that the professional may use.

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About the Author

Dr. Frances Smyth has been a psychologist in our group since 1985 and she has served as a business partner since 1992 when the five women partners of Gilmour Psychological Services® formalized their partnership. Dr. Smyth retired in 2018.

Introduction


As the twentieth century draws to a close, separation and divorce have become common events in the lives of modern families. When children are still dependent on their parents, the adults involved frequently approach mental health professionals, expressing concern about the potential negative effects of this experience on their children. However, research has shown that not all children suffer long term problems in adjustment as a result of divorce, although many children experience adjustment difficulties initially.


This chapter will describe the typical reactions to separation by children of various ages, and will offer advice on ways to minimize the negative impact of separation for children of differing age groups. This chapter will also educate the reader as to when parents should seek professional help for their children, will describe the types of services offered by mental health professionals and finally, will give information as to how parents can access these services.

Reactions to Divorce at Different Ages


Infants and Toddlers (ages 0 to 3)


The cognitive immaturity of infants and toddlers means children of this age are limited in their understanding of events in their world such as separation. Nevertheless, they are definitely affected by this event. At this stage of life, children need to maintain a strong bond with both parents but do not yet have a sense of time. Thus, they can be negatively affected by the longer separations from parents that usually follow when parents separate.


The following are typical symptoms of stress manifested by children of this age.


  • Waking during the night,
  • Bedwetting,
  • Not eating,
  • Regression in development – loss of language skills, loss of toilet training
  • Temper tantrums,
  • Fearfulness and clinging ; and /or,
  • Withdrawal



Preschoolers (ages 3 to 5)


Like their younger siblings, preschool children have a limited capacity to understand separation and divorce. As children of this age tend to interpret events in a self-centred fashion, they are likely to feel that they have somehow caused the separation. As they are more capable than younger children of imagining the future, they are likely to express their difficulty in coping with periods of separation from parents by developing troubling fantasies of abandonment and loss of parents.


Stress in children of this age is likely to be expressed in the following symptoms


  • Problems with sleep -i.e. difficulties in going to bed, bedwetting, recurrent bad dreams,
  • Problems with eating- i.e. eating more or less than usual, refusing foods eaten before,
  • Lack of interest in activities usually enjoyed
  • Regression in development in language and emotional independence ; and/or
  • Withdrawal from peers



Early Elementary School Aged Children (ages 6-8)


Children in this age group are more capable of understanding separation and its implications for future family life than younger siblings, yet are still highly dependent on their parents. Thus, children in the early elementary school years, more than any other age group, are likely to experience a strong sense of loss and sadness when parents separate. Their increased intellectual abilities means that they are likely to experience more anxious thoughts and fantasies about the future than do younger children. They are concerned about the future of their relationships with each parent and are able to anticipate that they may need to cope with new relationships as a result of the divorce (step-parents, step-siblings) They are concerned about the stability of their lives (concerns re moving, attending new schools etc.).


Children of this age group show their distress in the following ways.


  • Denial – a refusal to admit to themselves or others that anything is wrong,
  • Aggression towards siblings or peers,
  • Physical complaints (i.e. headaches or stomachaches)
  • Nervous habits such as biting nails



Older Elementary School Aged Children (ages 9-12)


The older elementary school child's reaction to separation is in many ways similar to that of children during the early elementary school years. However, children of this age tend to use more defences to cope with their feelings. Aggression, particularly towards people other than parents is a primary reaction to separation among children of this age group. Nine to twelve year olds are particularly inclined to experience loyalty conflicts. As children of this age are more competent and independent, parents may begin to rely on their children’s help with their problems.


Children of this age are likely to display these conflicts in the following ways:


  • If parents have new partners, they may feel that they are being disloyal to the other parent if they allow themselves to like the new partner.
  • Children of this age are more inclined to develop alliances with one parent.
  • If parents begin to rely excessively on their children for help with their own problems, children may withdraw from involvement with friends and community activities, which is normal and necessary for healthy development at this stage in their lives



Adolescents


The increased independence and sophisticated thinking of adolescents enables them to be more aware of tension between parents prior to separation. Nevertheless, most do not expect that their parents will actually separate. As a result, they frequently express shock and disillusionment with their parents when separation occurs. Like the elementary school child, they are inclined to express anger at the effects of separation on the family. However, their anger is expressed in a greater variety of ways than is the case for younger children.


In addition to aggression towards siblings and peers adolescents may express anger with the following behaviours.


  • Destruction of property,
  • Drug and alcohol abuse,
  • Poor grades,
  • Truancy,
  • Stealing,
  • Poor health care i.e. poor eating habits and lack of sleep)


Unfortunately, adolescents may not be aware that anger is motivating these self-destructive behaviours. Like the older elementary school age child, the adolescent may experience loyalty conflicts and a tendency to become overly involved with the concerns of the parent with whom they live. The sexual maturation of adolescents makes it particularly difficult to cope with stepparents, as they are aware of, and uncomfortable with the sexuality in the relationship. The strong drive towards independence that is normal in adolescence makes it particularly difficult for the adolescent to avoid compromising his or her own development if they become overly involved in helping the custodial parent.

Ways to Help Children Cope With Separation and Divorce


As indicated previously in this chapter, children are likely to experience stress during the process of separation regardless of their age at the time of separation. It should be clear that the nature of the stress and the child's ways of expressing distress differ to some extent according to the child's age. Therefore, the caring parent needs to take this into account in helping their child to adjust to the separation.


Although children will likely show signs of stress during the divorce process, long-term research has indicated that it would be overly pessimistic to conclude that separation means that your children will definitely have long term adjustment problems. The following section of this chapter offers advice as to how parents can promote healthy adjustment in children who are at different stages of development when parents separate.



The Infant or Toddler (ages 0 to 3)


The previous section of this chapter describing the reactions of infants and toddlers to parental separation suggested that the very young child's limited sense of time make lengthy separations from parents difficult.


The following arrangements have been found to be helpful in facilitating a close bond with both parents:


  • Try to arrange contact with your child so that neither parent is out of contact with the child for long periods. Time spent daily with each parent is optimal but may not be possible. However, it is important to bear in mind that your young child will benefit much more from several short, predictable contacts each week than from long visits which are a week or weeks apart (i.e. the common arrangement of non-custodial parents seeing children for the entire weekend every other weekend.).
  • If face to face contact is not possible, a short phone call to a toddler can be helpful.
  • Pictures of parents are also useful in reinforcing bonds with parents.



The Preschool Child (ages 3 to 5)


Since the preschool child has trouble understanding separation, may be inclined to feel that they have caused the separation, and are likely to become preoccupied with concerns about abandonment and loss, communication with children becomes important at this stage.


Effective communication with children of this age includes:


  • A brief, clear explanation of what is happening at the time that parents separate. Children should be told that the family will not be living together but that they will still be seeing each parent. Visiting arrangements should be clarified as soon as possible for the child so that they can feel a sense of predictability and security in their relationships with their parents
  • Children need to be told very clearly that they are not responsible for the separation and that there is nothing they can do to change the family situation
  • Children need to be given the opportunity to discuss their concerns about their future relationships with parents. They may need repeated reassurances that they will still be seeing non-custodial parents on a regular basis



The Early Elementary School Aged Child (6 to 8)


The previous section of this chapter identified the early elementary school aged child as experiencing a greater sense of loss and more anxiety about the future than other age groups. Thus, communication regarding the future is extremely important in reducing the feelings of sadness and anxiety of children of this age. Children can benefit from information from parents and from other sources (i.e. friends whose parents have separated and from books addressing experiences common to children of divorcing parents).


Information involving the following areas can be helpful in relieving stress:


  • Children of this age need detailed information as to how the separation will affect their relationship with their parents and siblings. They need to know about visiting arrangements – not only when and where they are visiting but also whether their siblings will also visit and if others will be present (i.e. new partners and their children). They also need to know if the schedule of one or both of the parents will be changing in a manner, which will affect their relationship with the child. A return to the work force or increased work hours is the most common example of factors leading to changed schedules.
  • Relationships with extended family members need to be discussed. Children need to know if these relationships will continue regardless of the separation. Hopefully, parents will attempt to maintain civil relationships with former in-laws so that children do not experience the additional loss of relationships with grandparents, aunts, and uncles etc.
  • Information regarding changes in the environment which are likely to occur such as moves to new neighbourhoods and schools should be communicated, preferably in advance, so that the child has the opportunity to prepare for these changes.



The Older Elementary School Aged Child (9 to 12)


Since children of this age are inclined to develop loyalty conflicts and are also inclined to become overly involved with helping parents, the parents' manner of relating to one another and to the child becomes extremely important in helping the child to avoid these reactions to the separation.


Parents are advised to keep the following ideas in mind in their dealings with one another and with their child at this age:


  • While obvious hostility and conflict between parents are always detrimental to children of separated parents, children of this age can be particularly damaged by parental discord. Conflict between parents facilitates the tendency of children this age to resolve their loyalty conflicts by developing an alliance with one parent.
  • Parents should strive to avoid leaning on their children for emotional support and/or extensive help with household tasks as children of this age are at risk of becoming "little adults”. Parents who lack nearby relatives or friends with whom they can discuss their problems in coping with the separation should recognize that support groups for separated parents are available in most communities.
  • Children should be supported in their involvement with sports and extracurricular activities in the community. Parents who provide this support are encouraging normal development and giving their child a clear message that they are not responsible for their parents' happiness and well being.



The Adolescent


In many ways, the older elementary school aged child and the adolescent react similarly to parental separation and divorce (loyalty conflicts, over involvement with helping a custodial parent). However, the greater maturity of adolescents leads to additional difficulties. As noted previously in this chapter, adolescents have difficulty in coping with the sexual aspect of their parents' new relationships.


The following points should be kept in mind in helping adolescents to cope with their parents divorce:

  • Gradual introduction to new partners and limited expectations regarding intimacy in the relationships between adolescents and their parent's new partners will make it easier for the adolescent to accept the new relationship.
  • Awareness of and sensitivity to the adolescents discomfort with adult sexuality will also facilitate the adolescent's acceptance of new relationships.


Adolescents need to be discouraged from assuming an adult role. This can be achieved in several ways. Parents should avoid involving the adolescent in their own emotional difficulties and problems in running the household and should encourage the adolescent to maintain friendships and involvement in community activities. Another way to help the adolescent to see that they are not expected to assume an adult role is for parents to set expectations and rules that are normal for individuals of this age category (i.e. curfews etc.)

Seeking Professional Help


Mental health professionals can be helpful to families experiencing separation and divorce in different ways. If your child has not been showing symptoms of distress at the point of parental separation, but you anticipate that your child will be undergoing significant, stressful changes, you may wish to take advantage of mental health services which are preventative in nature.


Preventative intervention is usually offered through time-limited group experiences. The prevalence of separation in recent years has led to the development of group programs for children of different age groups. These programs are educative and supportive in nature. Generally, each meeting involves discussion of one of the issues confronting children whose parents separate (i.e. coping with parental conflict, dealing with visits to non-custodial parents, meeting step-parents etc.). The group format is useful in helping children to recognize that other children have faced the same difficulties and have learned to manage these problems. Consultation is often offered in-group sessions to the parents of children involved in these groups.


If, however, your child or adolescent is experiencing significant problems, as indicated by concerns about their ability to function academically or socially in school, or severe conflicts with family members, involvement with a mental health professional on an individual basis is indicated.

What to Expect When You Meet with the Therapist/Counsellor


Psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers specializing in work with children all provide services to children whose parents are separating. Usually, the therapist will want to meet with the child and family initially to develop an understanding of the circumstances leading to the separation and the stressors that are confronting the particular child or adolescent.


Therapists generally recognize that meeting with the ex-spouse may be too difficult for the parent and will therefore meet separately with each parent. The therapist will probably interview the child separately in assessing their difficulties as children often feel inhibited in expressing their feelings if they feel that open expression of their emotions may be hurtful to other family members.


Psychologists may use personality testing to better understand the feelings of children who are reluctant or unable to express themselves. All mental health professionals may observe the play of younger children to better understand their feelings and reactions. If the therapist feels that individual therapy would be useful to the child, it may be offered using a variety of techniques from discussion (most likely with adolescents) to structured pencil and paper activities designed to elicit feelings and conflicts in elementary school aged children to play therapy with preschool and early elementary school aged children. The therapist will likely wish to consult with both parents periodically to advise them of changes they can make to facilitate a better adjustment in their child or adolescent.

How to Access Professional Help


The groups, which offer preventative intervention, are found in community mental health centres and other social agencies. In some instances they are offered through the psychology or social work departments of school boards and are held in schools.


Individual help can be accessed through community mental health centres, children's outpatient clinics in hospitals and through state or provincial professional associations, which provide referrals to private practitioners in psychiatry, psychology or social work. If you have an employee assistance program in your work place, you may be able to obtain an appropriate referral through an EAP counsellor. In some instances, a referral from your family doctor may be necessary to be seen in a hospital setting, or by a psychiatrist.


You can request services yourself from a psychologist or social worker in private practice. Payment is required when psychologists or social workers are seen in private practice settings. However, some health insurance plans offer reimbursement for some of the costs of this service.

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