Sensitive Issues and What to Do

However decisions are made about custody and access, parents can expect to deal with a number of delicate issues. Children are often emotionally attached to both parents and, sensing that the parents are not getting along, a child often feels a pressure to take sides and can become anxious and ill-at-ease as a result.

This pressure, whether intended or not, is due to the child feeling that loyalty to both parents may be impossible. Indeed, the child may feel that showing any preferential treatment to one parent in the form of affection, closeness, or respect, may alienate the other parent. The child may therefore be unnaturally on guard and defensive when in the company of both parents or when speaking about one parent in front of the other. In these instances, parents will need to let the child know that it is possible, and entirely permissible, for the child to have fond feelings for both and that the parents are not in competition and will not think or feel less of the child for having both parents in his or her life. Just like the parents each wish to share in being with and raising the child so too, the child can share himself or herself with each parent.

Children often do not understand, and can not know, all the reasons why parents decide to live apart. As such, they are often confused. In trying to make sense of a troubling situation children may be unable to see beyond themselves, and because of a desire to protect and preserve the relationship with parents may be reluctant to find fault in them. In consequence, children may wind up blaming themselves for the parents problems and separation.

Anger, resentment, irritability, depression, guilt, and loss of desire to do well in school, may be some of the symptoms of such a disappointment with oneself. Parents need to be aware of this possibility and explain to the child that they, as adults, are responsible for the decision to live apart, just as they were responsible for getting together in the first place.

Children, however easy or difficult their behaviour may have been all along, need to know that they are not the cause, they are not at fault, and they should not assume otherwise. Parents need not, and should not, expose the child to the dirty laundry behind the family break-up. They should, however, convey only what needs saying and in a manner that the child can understand considering the child’s age and maturity level. Younger children will need less explaining; older children generally need more, and may have specific and probing questions. Obviously, good judgment must prevail in addressing both what needs to be said and in what manner and tone, so that children are not set against either parent.

Stability and continuity are comforting for most individuals, because of the sense of security that comes from being around what is familiar, from having one’s routines, and in being where one has set roots. This is more pronounced when it comes to children. Therefore, when parents live apart, there is great value in doing what one can to minimize the disruptions that can ensue and affect children.

Younger children are often more adaptable and after a period of adjustment they can more readily bounce back. Older children however are often more self-conscious, and because of their strong need to be socially involved and accepted within their peer group they often find the loss of old friends and a need to get into a ‘new crowd’ more troubling. Children’s lives can be dramatically affected through a change in where one lives, a change of schools, a downgrade change in lifestyle because of economic pressures, not being able to continue with one’s sports team or dance group or cherished piano teacher, and not having both mother and father together, or always together, for major family celebrations and events.

These are some examples of how children’s lives can be affected, with old bridges cast aside and new ones to be built. Such change may not be easy, and children can rebel against parents for having put them through such misery. Parents will therefore need to prepare for custody and access agreements that can either protect as much of what stability has been in place for the children, or that will foster a re-stabilization as soon and as positive as possible.

Few people’s lives go completely according to plan. Flexibility and adaptability are often essential to making things work. Similarly, custody and access agreements where it is clearly stipulated who has the children and when and between what times, and when pick-up and drop-off is to occur, may not always anticipate unexpected developments or new requirements that need special consideration. For example, one parent may have the children say every second weekend between Friday at 5:00 p.m. to Sunday at 5:00 p.m., and it comes to pass that the other set of grandparents who are rarely seen and live far from town can only come a particular weekend when access is with the other parent. In this case it may well be in the children’s best interest to be able to see these grandparents and for the access visit to be re-scheduled with time compensated for the contact that was foregone or sacrificed. Similarly, if children would miss an important occasion such as a much desired camping trip, or a birthday party with close friends, or a marriage in the extended family unless the access visit was changed, this too would require parents to be flexible in the name of putting the children first.

Clearly worded and structured custody and access arrangements are often necessary in order to set the ‘rules’ and avoid unnecessary conflict between parents. As well, parents and children can then organize their lives and personal commitments in context of knowing where they will be and when. The children themselves can, if of sufficient age, know ahead of time and plan their involvements and activities accordingly. As good as such clarity and consistency is, the best plans however are those that provide elbowroom for change as unforeseen or special circumstances may require from time to time. And as vital as it is for parents to keep to the agreement, it is also critical that they communicate with one another, compromise and adjust on those exceptional occasions as called for.

Yet another sensitive issue that can arise in custody and access arrangements is that of a child resisting or refusing to visit a parent. The child may be downcast, show anger toward the parent who is seen to be ‘forcing’ the visit, or even cry and throw a temper tantrum. What to do? The parent who has the child may certainly wish to abide by the agreement but questions at what emotional expense to the child if this is what happens. The parent ready to receive the child may begin to wonder if the other parent is doing something ‘to turn the child off’ from visiting and thereby deliberately undermining one’s own role and involvement. In dealing with this type of child reluctance, the first course of action is to determine why the reluctance exists, bearing in mind that the more intense the opposition, the more likely it is that forcing the child will be counterproductive. It is therefore critical to take the time to get to the bottom of why the child feels as he or she does. Intense reactions can hide very genuine fears, from being afraid for whatever reason of leaving a parent upon which the child is overly dependent, to having expectations of harsh or abusive treatment at the hands of the receiving parent or the environment that one is being sent into. Once the reasons for reluctance have been explored, and if untoward elements have not been found, it may well be that the child’s temperament is such that more explaining needs to be done to help the child understand the purposes behind the scheduled visits. A more graduated visitation schedule may also need to be adopted, at least initially, to help the child ease into the visits at a pace more in line with his or her readiness. Counselling of course can also be helpful here as in every other instance where a child’s unhappiness becomes evident and does not respond to more usual efforts.

Finally, custody and access issues can unfortunately occur in context of more disturbing circumstances. Violence, intimidation, threats, and abuse may either have originally led one parent to leave the other or come to characterize the parent to parent relationship after the breakup. A restraint order may need to be pursued prohibiting the offending party from harassing or otherwise interfering with the other parent or the children. In such instances even telephone access to the parent and the children may need to be denied, and the address and residence of the parent and children may similarly need to be withheld.

If despite friction and conflict children are to see and be with each parent it may help to utilize third party or neutral intermediaries such as a relative or staff from a community access visit agency, to act as a go-between so that direct contact between the parents is avoided without stopping access to the child. Nonetheless, parents should not hesitate to report to the proper authorities as well as one’s lawyer when the other parent is stepping beyond the line and putting the child in jeopardy. By the same token, if a parent with a history of improper conduct such as anger displays or an addiction can demonstrate effective change via, among other things, having completed a recognized treatment program, it behooves the other parent to be open to working toward finding how custody and/or access can be allowed or restored if this would in fact be in the best interests of the child. Professional help will be of particular value in assisting parents, children, and the court in determining how best to proceed in such truly challenging situations.